Better Days

leaving america

Me, shoveling snow one winter in our CT house

 

It’s perfectly normal as we grow older to pine for the careless days of youth gone by. When we were living in that 4th floor walkup in Chicago, eating Ramen noodles by ourselves without a care in the world.

10 Signs it Might Be Time to Divorce, HuffPo

They say don’t look back, and I won’t.

But there was a time when I thought the future promising, and that true love, even, was at hand.

But then I wonder if it’s sane to remain with someone — long after the bloom went off the rose — because you worry deeply how she might survive without you,

People destroy their lives for all kinds of reasons.  Often, they have to convince themselves that it’s someone’s else fault.

I think you only truly become an adult when you take personal responsibility for all your failures, and credit others for your successes.

What happened to the guy in the picture? The one who shoveled the snow all winter, because he knew that in Spring the entrance to their house would look like this.

greenwich lawn

It looks nice enough, but it took a lot of work, much of it I did myself, to clear the land to get it to look like this. I have always loved this Copper Beech, and I thought once that we would have children who would one day try to climb this tree that shaded the front of our house. I planted crocus and snowdrops on this hill, and every year after the winter snow melted they would pop up on that beautiful lawn I created for the children that would never come.

This is a shot of the land I cleared in the back yard, just behind the pool. This was full of Japanese vine-choked dying trees. All in all, the 1+acre property had between 30 and 40 rotting hardwood trees, most between 80 and 100 feet tall, and many with dangerously hollowed out hearts, that I had to cut down and chainsaw into fireplace logs. It took me 3 years of weekends, but I did it, even as I also held a stress-filled job in Manhattan. All for nothing, as it turned out. All for absolutely fucking nothing.

Will I ever see him smile like that ever again?

Winter will be here in no time.  But there will be no snow where I’m going.

In fact, it will look more like what you see below: yet another sunny place for, as they say, shady people.

leaving amerika

At Lake Nasser, around the time we bought the house

 

 

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